To, that guy.
So.. What do we have here? Time to kill? Or an unexpected recent date that pulled on a few of those rusty old heart strings.. I’m Emilina and I am here to be the voice of many (ish)!
So here I was, in mid-twenties and relatively new to this ‘dating scene’, I was suddenly single after 10 years and honestly? I was a deer in headlights.
So here I was, standing in front of this freshly painted door and I’ll admit, it felt quite liberating – not that my chunk of a relationship was in anyway limiting but moreover it was something I had never experienced.
All I have ever known was my surroundings and their experience in dating.
My sister for instance, a bright and organised bundle of excitement, and her faults? Sensitive I suppose and I guess too busy.
Ultimately just short of a Mary Poppins type-figure if there ever was one.. So how could I be in this very loving and lengthy relationship yet my sister, getting treated pretty wanky by guys who didn’t appreciate a slice of love hearted toast!
There just has to be a systematic error here because surely one kind human for another? What’s all the fuss about, right?
Wrong. I mean obviously so so wrong.
Humans are multi-complex species, I don’t need to tell you that.
It’s a rarity to get two humans to simply fall in love when enviromental, cognitive and social factors play such major parts in a human life and two years on from my ten year relationship?
– I’m still as single as the singlest of pringles and my action to date has gone as far as a few snogs – and with the same guy! P.s do we say ‘snog‘ anymore?
For the record, said snogs were great but very forced – more of a time pressured situation honestly and without going in to too much detail, I haven’t truly been ready (with intimacy at least) until very recently.
Anyway, picture this: 5-20 dates down the line, I’ve noted a pattern.
A lot of men, and I’ll put it bluntly, make assumptions and I’m here to tell you that actually the try-hard mistakes that you make instead of actually showing your true self is the very reason you’re still hinging away at your Sunday evenings and being that sad old date that ‘just didn’t feel right’.
To whom it may concern – Number 1
Compliment something other than her looks. PLEASE.
I get a lot of Instagram comments about my looks and when my POV comes in to it, how are you any different to a comment under a edited picture or the guy who just yelled out ‘I like your red hair!’ from across the road?
Looks fade after all and compliments that focus just on a woman’s appearance aren’t going to carry as much weight as a compliment she hasn’t heard of as often.
Tell her that it’s bloody badass that she likes to spend evenings on the ‘sky view’ app stargazing – and yes I do! Just give her compliments on her intelligence and hobbies because yes, she looks piping, good for you but those out of the box compliments will stick with her even if it didn’t go well!
Number 2 – Can you actually pay attention?
I mean that wholeheartedly. A couple of moments in to a date, I’m quite a talker, I know, but I’ve been on a couple of dates where I’ve told them quite a backlog of crap – you know, same page – and on the second date, you are repeating yourself and feel like it’s your first date all over again.
Say she tells you she really really really loves cats. Well, whip out a couple of cat memes you saved after your first date.. the little things go a long long way pal!
Number 3 – have some passion and side hustles to talk about.
Be pro-active about it and don’t be lazy – be on it!
As much as we don’t like to admit, a bit of a chase is more interesting.
Having passion, dreams and hobbies that keep you too busy to be on your phone texting her all day is key. If you have dreams, you have goals and achievements to be filled! The crazier your ideas, the better and I want to be on that crazy journey with you!
I mean, it’s a fact.. Having a strong work ethic is probably one of most woman’s favourably characteristics in a partner.
I’ve been on dates with people who ‘don’t mind’ where they want to go because their effort isn’t there (I’ll add, there is a huge difference between being easy going and not caring) or needing to meet ‘half way’ to the very metre of our homes so they didn’t have to go futher out of their way for them. Yeah, not going to work pal.
Number 3. Simple I know, but dress well.
Aka, the raising flour to your mixing bowl! I mean, Imagine turning up for a date as a sweaty pile of work clothes? Very true story and thankfully not one of mine.
Some will dress in just a hoody and trousers and I mean okay, if you’re going on a walk but dude, your hair is greesy and I like to think that hoody is clean too. Don’t make her feel like she is last minute situation.
Be prepared if you know you’re going out later. You’ll make her feel as if she’s hardly worth the fuss and she will take note – even if it doesn’t last, don’t make her feel any less than she’s worth.
Let me tell you about one of my recent dates – pre lockdown obvz
A cinema date is on the cards
‘Any films you like the look of right now? ..Awesome, I want to see that too!”
Score – I also get to choose!
I’m five minutes early and this was our second date. I’m waiting by the snacks counter, my eyes firmly on a tango blast and I turn around to see him standing in ‘my favourite outfit on a guy‘ with a beaming smile on his face.
‘Don’t cringe’ he laughed.
Oh and side note, he is my ‘snog guy’ – sadly lockdown was a spanner and alas like many blooming flowers in such a time, the sun went down.
But here we are, a story to tell and that is probably one of the cutest things a guy has done for me in YEARS. Listen and act.. maybe even laugh it off – she will LOVE YOU.
Round up? Compliment beyond her looks, dress well and make the effort. Pretty simple? Apparently not.
You know those articles that go on and on about being yourself?
Your friends and family think you’re awesome and your jokes are bang on wit.
Just be yourself. It’s that simple. Show your soft side.. your silly side.. your excitement and your sad side.
(I mean probably a little much after one date) but don’t be someone you aren’t purleaseeee.
Share some of those bits of yourself that are soft, whether it be how much you love your mum or how it was rough when your best friend passed away when you were in college.
Those things will matter to her way more than how much is in your bank account and honestly, seeing the human in another person is heartfelt across all relationships in life!
Okay so hardly life-saving points to consider but if lockdown hadn’t occurred I reckon snog guy and I would have had something pretty special but alas, the journey continues.